Final Fantasy in a Tweet

In this week’s boss battle the Pretty Pretty People were challenged to reduce the plots of final fantasy games into the space of a single tweet.

Original? Not exactly! You may remember when LOST was a relevant thing there was a contest to summarize all six seasons in a single tweet. Producer/Writer Damon Lindelof even got in on the act.

See if you can guess which title from the Final Fantasy Universe is being tweeted before you highlight the super secret surprise answer.

(Pro-tip: Some titles may appear more than once):


1.) Espers or Magic abled humanoids are exterminated. Esper sympathizers use fossils of dead Espers to learn how to magic. World Ends. Kefka.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy VI 

2.) Four people of indeterminate job find a rat tail, get promotions & stop a time loop

  • Answer: Final Fantasy I 

3.) Emo kids and statue girls fight their fate, destroy some god machines and their planet, go back to being emo and/or statues

  • Answer: Final Fantasy XIII 

4.) Slow motion snuff story with basketball shorts. Dreamy boyfriend was just a dream. Maybe. No shortage of daddy issues.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy X 

5.) Onion kids from the sky make a lot of career changes on the road to fighting a mean cloud.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy III 

6.) Haiku For a Liltie: I am that dwarf girl / going apeshit with a spear / #yolo

  • Answer: Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles 

7.) Jem & the Holograms fight the misfits to save Starlight House from the evil Eric Raymond.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy X-2 

8.) Half breed tries to discover herself, makes lots of friends and stops magic forever by killing clown freak. Also, an opera scene.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy VI 

9.) A buddy comedy about two pals who bomb little girls’ villages for LOLs.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy IV 

10.) Action figures fall in love on magic island, everything happens because Guest Star Allison Janney said so.

  • Answer: LOST 

11.) I think I would have liked it better if it had been another Vagrant Story

  • Answer: Final Fantasy XII 

12.) Spiky haired schizophrenic dates two girls until one gets murdered, then saves the world from his hero by talking to her ghost. Lion wolf makes babies.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy VII 

13.) MMO

  • Answer: XI or XIV, take your pick 

14.) A pretty moon dude does some evil stuff, beats himself up about it, then his brother, then some other thing

  • Answer: Final Fantasy IV 

15.) Please enjoy this $200 million screen saver.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within 

16.) Magic doll considers his mortality and defeats death (but then dies)

  • Answer: Final Fantasy IX 

17.) Never trust Australians

  • Answer: Final Fantasy XIII 

18.) There’s this island where narrative weight ultimately doesn’t matter, and also, polar bears.

  • Answer: LOST 

19.) An enormous meteor is hurtling at the planet. We should probably do something about it. But these chocobos aren’t going to breed themselves.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy VII 

20.) Four kids kill four elements to make their dark balls shine. Also, we learn that Dragons love rat tails. So, there’s that.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy I 

21.) Dreamboat athlete with daddy issues breaks religion by defeating his dad to save girl and erase himself

  • Answer: Final Fantasy X 

22.) Something to do with crystals

  • Answer: Wildcard  

23.) Girl becomes pop star to sing boyfriend back into existence

  • Answer: Final Fantasy X-2 

24.) New York City becomes uncanny valley in Pitch Black remake starring Steve Buscemi and a HUD.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within 

25.) See what happens if you let humans and Espers get married? The clown became a god. Happy now?

  • Answer: Final Fantasy VI 

26.) Twink dreams of being sky-pirate, meets bitter princess and sky-pirates, saves kingdom from weird science

  • Answer: Final Fantasy XII 

27.) Amnesiac emo kids in flying high school fight then join witch mom when future lady makes moon monsters. Kids find love, and spaceship.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy VIII 

28.) Tidus has daddy issues. Dies. Crazy cultist female haucinates him into existence to destroy evil. Cult is evil and evil is Tidus’s father. Awkward.

  • Answer: Final Fantasy X 

29.) Leveling system freaks me out. Hey, actual characters! Too bad I don’t remember them 🙁

  • Answer: Final Fantasy II 

30.) The blue queen is totally bogus so princess bighead and monkeyboy team up with a jawa, a furry, a rasta man, chef boyardee, and beat it

  • Answer: Final Fantasy IX 

31.) Matthew Fox closes his eyes, serialized fiction is dead.

  • Answer: LOST 

32.) Beluga-star Galactica

  • Answer: Final Fantasy IV 

How many did you get right? If it’s anything less than all of them, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. But it’s OK. We’re still here for you, even if you don’t deserve it. (Paradigm Shift: Abusive Relationship)

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